Standing here right now is killing me
by tapiongirl
Summary: Sam and Lexie have been together for quite some time and got so close to each other that Sam finally bailed due to commitment issues. First story in a series of one-shots showing the story of Sam, Lexie, and Sam's adopted daughter Stevie. Totally AU. Some stories will contain smut, some will be quite dark. Love always wins in the end, though. Rated M in for future chapters.
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: This is the first story of what will be a series of one-shots. Sam has adopted a daughter a couple years back, who is called Stevie. Lexie and Sam were together for some time and Sam finds herself manipulating the relationship due to commitment phobia and bad experiences from previous relationships. In this oneshot, Sam admits to Lexie that she cheated on her. Other oneshots will feature stories about Stevies adoption, Sam and Lexie's first date etc. This story is AU and I obviously don't own any of the characters, except for Stevie. Apart from that I apologize in advance for mistakes. English is not my native language. Will upload more chapters when desired. Otherwise enjoy.

* * *

"Lex, I have to tell you something. I slept with someone else while we were broken up".

I will never forget the look on her face when I told her. Her eyes looked at me first with shock and devastation, then with anger and disgust.

"Who are you? Look at who you have become during those past months. I never thought you'd do that to me, ever. I don't even know who you are anymore". With that she turned around, she just couldn't face Sam any longer. It was the absolute betrayal, from what she thought until this very moment was the women she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

\- "Lexy, please, let me explain".

She didn't want to hear any explanation. She felt like bursting inside and so she turned around and screamed "Just go! I can't even look at you".

\- "Please Lex, you have to understand! I thought we were broken up. I would never cheat on you. If I had thought that there would've been even the slightest chance of us getting back together, I never would have…"

\- "Fucked someone else the minute things got hard?"

\- "We were broken up"

\- "Go. NOW!"

\- "You have to listen to me"

\- "No! I don't! You need to leave, right fucking now. Do you know what you are expecting from me right now. You just ripped my heart out. The love of my life has been fucking someone else and now you stand her and want me to listen to you and to show understanding for you? Don't you get that I can't talk to you? Don't you get it? Just looking at you makes me want to throw up. Standing here right now is killing me. Don't you get that?"

Sam looked intently at her, tears now streaming down her face. Lexie was right. She had managed to destroy everything. She fucked up. She did some unrepairable damage and she would have to live with that. Knowing that she screwed up her one chance at a happy ending. The whole picture. Girlfriend, Kid, Dog, House. She fucked it all up.

So, with one last look at the women whose heart she just had shattered into a million pieces, she left and closed the door behind her.

Sitting in her car she dreaded driving home. Stevie would be waiting for her and Sam wasn't yet ready to break another heart by telling their daughter her other mother would not be coming back home again. Not this night and not any other night, either.

Finally, she realized that she needed to get home and cook dinner for Stevie, so she wiped the tears from her eyes and drove home.

"Honey, I'm home"

Stevie came out of her room and fell into Sam's arms, which never failed to make her smile, even under these circumstances.

"Mummy, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, sweetheart, just a long day"

"Have you been crying?"

"Just…" Sam sighed. "Lex and I got into a fight and… it got pretty ugly".

"Well… you will make up eventually, right? You always do".

"I think this time is different, Kid". New tears were forming in Sam's eyes.

"Why?"

"I screwed up big time"

"Yeah but… even so. Whatever happened, she will forgive you, I know she will. Just give her some time."

Sam took a deep breath, choosing her next words very carefully. She didn't want to upset Stevie more than necessary. Telling her that Lex would never just drop-by like she used to, or spend the night, or spend time with them during the evenings or weekends would be hard enough on Stevie. Sam was furious at herself. Not only did she screw up the relationship with the women of her dreams, she also took Lexie from Stevie, which she would never forgive herself for.

"Look, I want you to know that whatever happens, Lex will always be your other mother. You can see each other whenever you like and spend as much time together as you want. Always. You can talk on the phone every day and I will drive you to her place anytime you want to see her. That will never change."

"But we're a family"

"We will always be a family, sweetheart. Lex and I will always be your mothers. Whatever else happens, that will never change". Sam almost choked on those words and she needed time to just sit and cry and break down.

"Can you go and order us both a pizza? I will take a quick shower and be right back". Sam mustered her best fake smile, kissed Stevie on the forehead and headed to the bathroom. She turned on the hot water and stepped into the shower. Immediately, she started to sob. What had she done? 'Just go, I can't even look at you… Standing here right now is killing me'. What had she done? What was wrong with her?

To be honest, Sam really thought that Lexie had broker up with her. It didn't even come as a surprise. The past few months, Sam would stay late at work, cancel dates, forget about scheduled dinners and talk her way out of spending time with Lexie. Sam didn't want to acknowledge the reason for her bad behavior. Superficially, she justified it by needing her space and spending time on her own. She was her on person and nobody could tell her whom to spend time with, and when, except for her daughter, of course.

Honestly though, Sam was avoiding Lexie. She realized that she was madly in love with Lexie. So much so that she would make plans for their future together. Just the three of them, Lexie, Stevie, and her. She wanted to do all that cliché stuff. Buy a house in the suburbs with a garden, go on vacation, grow old together.

Then it hit her. How could she have been so blind. How could she expect Lexie to love her back like that? What was to like about Sam anyway? No way Lexie was that serious about her. Lexie loved Stevie like her own daughter, that was for sure. The two shared so many character traits, interests, and even looks, that everybody would think of them as mother and daughter anyways. But how could she possibly love Sam? Sam, who was so full of self-doubt and underachieving? Who was tough on the outside but vulnerable and week within?

So fear got the best of her and the thought that inevitably, at some point, Lexie would come to her senses and realize what Sam already knew: Lexie was to good for her. She deserved better. Lexie would break up with her and break her heart. This was how it would play out.

From that moment on, Sam withdrew from the relationship. She did everything she could to detach herself. Telling herself not to spend too much time with Lexie. Not to get involved with Lexie's friends and especially not with Lexie's family.

Of course Lexie noticed Sam's awkward behavior. Her rain checks and her withdrawing behavior. It scared her. Suddenly, Sam would flich every time Lexie tried to touch her. She would stiffen up when Lexie leaned in for a kiss. Sam was never again the one to initiate body contact and from one day to the other they stopped having sex.

Everytime Lexie tried to talk to Sam about it, she would tell her off like Lexie was imagining things.

A couple of weeks later, Lexie decided that she had given Sam more than enough space and she was scared at the pace with which she and Sam seemed to drift apart.

After another missed dinner and an hour wait in a restaurant without Sam showing up, she just had it. She called Sam and told her that she would no longer put up with her being treated that way and that Sam was not to contact her unless she would tell her what her problem was.

For Sam that seemed like the break-up she had been waiting for. But instead of relief she felt devastated. Since Stevie was sleeping at a friend's house, Sam decided to drown her pain in alcohol, just like she used to when previous relationships fell apart. It was Sam's way of acknowledging that nobody would ever really want her.

She went out to the gay bar she used to visit quite regularly before Stevie moved in with her for good. After a couple more shots she noticed a blonde staring at her hungrily.

"Why the hell not" Sam thought to herself. "I might not be desirable enough to build a life with, but I'm still good enough for a casual fuck and be forgotten afterwards".

Drowning another shot, she got up from the bar and walked over to the blonde. They left the bar together shortly after.

t.b.c.


	2. Chapter 2

The following weeks were miserable for all of them. Sam was overwhelmed by her guilt over cheating on Lexie and thereby breaking her daughter's family apart and robbing her of the happy and harmonious life she deserved.

Lexie was simply heartbroken. Just a couple of weeks ago she had been absolutely sure to have found the women she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. And not only did Sam seem ready to share her life with her, she also brought Stevie into her life.

During the past year, Lexie had come to love Stevie to a point which overwhelmed her sometimes. She was stunned by the capacity she had to love a child. It really felt to her as though Stevie was her daughter and she and Sam even started to talk about the options they had for Lexie to legally adopt Stevie. The more time passed since the break-up, the more Lexie missed having Stevie in her life. Of course, they had written texts back and forth and once she even called her see how Stevie was doing. Lexie didn't want to admit to herself that she also wanted to know how Sam was doing and if they got along well without her.

Now Lexie was at a point in which phone calls with her daughter just weren't enough any more and with every day that passed without seeing her, Lexie's fear grew that Stevie would grow apart from her. So she decided to gather all her strength and courage and to call Sam. She wanted to figure out how they could still share custody for Stevie and be civil with each other for their daughter's sake.

The phone rang and Sam answered. Lexie had to force herself not to hang up straight away. Hearing Sam's voice seemed to rip open all the wounds that she was by now able to ignore during most days so that she was able to function like a relatively normal human being and that helped her get up in the morning, go to work and drown her pain in binge watching series, smoking, and drinking wine at night. She had stumbled over a quote by E. Vincent Millay on the internet that read

" _Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell_ ".

Nothing described her feelings quite as well as these lines. And here was Sam's voice making her fall into this hole all over again:

"Hello?" – No answer. "Lex… is… is that you? Lex? … Is something wrong? Did something happen?" – Why else would she be calling? Obviously she did just want to chat or she would have answered any of the five thousand calls from Sam during the past weeks.

"Yeah, hey, it's me" – Pause – "Listen. I just called to talk to you about Stevie. I don't want her to suffer from our …. Whaterver… from our separation… and so, I want to see her and I want to spend the day with her and I don't want her to think I don't care about her anymore just because you… so… I want to see her tomorrow, maybe pick her up from school and spend the day together. I will bring her home in the evening and then maybe we can figure out some kind of schedule… I still… I want her in my life. What ever else happened that… that will never change and I want her to know that."

"She knows that Lex. And I would never purposefully keep her from you. Of course you can see her and spend time with her whenever you want."

"I don't just want to spend time with her and "see" her, Sam. I want all of it. I want responsibility for her and to care for her when she's sick or sad or anything else happens. And I want us to figure out how we can share that despite our issues."

"Listen, why don't you spend the day with her tomorrow and we'll talk when you bring her over. I promise that we are on the same page here. I want you to be her mother, too. She needs you and she loves you and I would never stay in the way of that. I love you both too much for that."

"Yeah right, you showed me your love when you fucked someone else". Lexie was getting worked up again. Hearing Sam agreeing to everything and saying those things made her mad again. Then she took a deep breath and tried to calm herself down. This wasn't about the two of them. This was about Stevie. This was exactly what Lexie wanted to avoid, that her daughter had to suffer because her parents couldn't be civil with each other for their daughter's sake. Just like her own parents had fought wars against each other and played their children against each other and had forced her and her siblings to choose sides in this war. She had sworn to herself to never become like that, no matter how bad things would go. And now was the time for Lexie to prove that to herself and to her daughter. So she took another deep breath and went on: "Sam… I… sorry, I didn't mean to say that".

"No, you have every right, Lex" – "I still didn't mean to say it because it has nothing to do with our daughter. And I just called to talk with you about her. This is not about us. Whatever happens to us, I want us to swear that Stevie will never have to suffer from that any more than she already has. I want us to get along for her sake."

"Yeah, I think you are right. So… you want to tell her yourself that you'll be picking her up from school tomorrow? I will just pass you on to her."  
"Yes that would be great, thanks Sam", "See you tomorrow, then Lex". She couldn't help but sound hopeful. And she hated herself for that feeling. What was Sam hopeful about? This wasn't about them. Lexie didn't call to talk about what had happened or how to fix their relationship. This was Lexie calling saying "Lets get along for our daughter's sake and be superficially nice to each other but I still hate you for everything you've done to us". But still. She called. And her wanting to play a role in Stevie's life automatically meant that they would see each other regularly. And that was more than Sam ever could have hoped for.

She called Stevie to come take the phone and she couldn't help the grin on her face when she said "Guess who called to talk to you? – Stevie gave her a questioning look. "It's Lexie"

Lexie herself broke into a big smile at the other end of the line when she heard that squeal of joy that came from Stevie once she heard her name. For the first time in weeks she experienced a feeling that trumped all the other feelings had come to be present all the time and which were profound sadness, desperation, anger, and loss. She experienced joy and love and excitement to talk to her daughter and tell her about their plans to spend the day together.

After she hung up the phone, Lexie still felt excited at the prospect to see her daughter again and spend time with her. At the same time she also felt anxious about having to see Sam. She didn't yet trust her ability to play nice with Sam for their daughter's sake when she was just overwhelmed by disappointment and anger over what Sam had done to her and their family. Still, she swore to herself to exchange as few words as possible and to focus solely on their daughter, no matter what stupid apologies Sam might utter to her. She would just ignore it and rise above it for Stevie's sake. Nevertheless, tomorrow was going to be emotionally exhausting.


	3. Chapter 3

The next day Lexie waited in front of Stevie's school until she heard the bells ring. She noticed that she felt nervous and excited, which was absurd since, until a couple weeks ago, picking up her daughter used to be the most normal thing in the world for her. Now she couldn't wait to see Stevie.

"MOM" – Stevie shouted and ran towards Lexie, leaving all her friends behind. Lexie opened her arms and caught her daughter in a tight hug. "I missed you so much" she couldn't help but whisper into Stevie's ear. Lexie had to try hard to keep the tears in her eyes from falling down. They were not only tears of happiness to finally see her daughter again. They were also tears of shame and guilt for not making an effort sooner to see her again. Hell, she should've made sure she saw her every day, no matter how screwed up things were with Sam.

Lexie shook off all those thoughts and just tried to enjoy the time she had with Stevie and make up for the weeks she lost. The two spend a very happy afternoon together. They drove to the beach and grabbed Pizza on the way, which they ate in the car during the one hour drive. On the beach they played football and tried to push each other into the water until they got tired. Finally, they sat down in the sand, wrapped in warm blankets, and stared into the sea while eating the ice cream they had just bought.

Until then, Lexie was careful to avoid talking about Sam, the break-up, or about how things would play out in the near future. To be honest, she just wanted to spend a nice day with her daughter and reconnect. Also, she didn't have any of the answers to the millions of questions which Stevie had been holding back so far. Lexie also didn't want to talk about Sam because for one, she didn't want Stevie to feel like a child of divorce and Lexie didn't want her to have to choose sides.

But also, Lexie was also not ready to talk about Sam with anyone. Just to mention her made her heart ache. Thinking about what Sam meant thinking about everything that was taken from her. A couple of weeks ago, Lexie was sure that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with Sam. That was until Sam started to give her the cold shoulder and stopped being affectionate towards her. So Sam had taken her happily ever after future from her. She had taken their life as a happy family by forcing Lexie out of their inner circle. She had taken her home, which was Sam and Stevie's place. Although Lexie never officially moved out of her own apartment, she had basically spend every second of every day in Sam's flat. And to be honest, she had never felt more at home anywhere she had ever lived. And what felt even worst: Sam had not just betrayed her trust by cheating on her. Sam didn't want her. Why else would she have suddenly stopped to be invested in their relationship. For weeks prior to the actual cheating, Sam had seemingly stopped caring about her at all. She wasn't disrespectful but she also wasn't present when they were spending time together. Her head had seemed to be somewhere else. Sam had also stopped to look at her with love and care in her eyes and when Lexie looked at her she was met by worry and sorrow. Lexie had felt that she was losing Sam long before she cheated on her. She had never felt so powerless in her entire life and the fact that Sam would just flat out lie to her and deny that anything had changed hurt even more. So it was not even the betrayal that hurt the most, it was the abandonment without any notice or reason or explanation from Sam. Being cheated on just manifested what she had already known. That Sam didn't want her anymore while Lexie would have done everything in her power to change her lover's mind. Anything. That was also why she did not want to talk to Sam about any of that. The reason why Sam cheated was obvious. She didn't love Lexie. But hearing Sam say those actual words to her face would have been too much for her. She wouldn't be able to take it and just walk away, so she told Sam that she wasn't interested in an explanation.

But here she was and she knew she at least owed her daughter to answer her questions as best as she could. She didn't want to ambush Stevie into a conversation that would upset her daughter, so she wanted to start off with a light topic:

\- "So, do you have a special wish for your birthday? I mean, I already got some presents for you, as your birthday is this Sunday, but maybe there is still something you are hoping for?"

Stevie didn't say anything but looked at her mother hesitantly.

\- "Come on, you can tell me!"

\- "I just… I don't want to upset you"

\- "Why would your birthday wish upset me? Come on, sweetie, you can tell me anything. I promise I won't get mad."

\- "I … I would just… really love to spend the day with you and Mama. Just the three of us. I miss family nights and I miss you coming over. And I know that you two aren't talking but maybe… maybe we could just forget all of that for one day and have a great time and see what happens?"

Stevie was sure that her parents had split up although she couldn't figure out why. Neither of them would tell her what happened and she also didn't know why they couldn't just forgive each other and be a happy family again. After all, she knew both women really loved each other with all of their hearts. They didn't even have to say it, you just had to look into their eyes when they were talking to each other or even about each other. And even though they were fighting, their eyes betrayed them and you could still see the love under all those layers of pain, anger and guilt. Stevie was determined to uncover that seemingly lost love and to get her parents back together. She was sure that she just had to find a way to get them back to talking with each other and they would figure out the rest.

\- "Honey, I don't know if that's such a good idea"

Lexie started to speak

\- "At least think about it. Pleeeease?"

\- "Okay hon, I'll think about it".

What else could she have said to those puppy eyes of her wonderful daughter? She realized that it was already getting quite dark outside so Lexie suggest that they packed up their stuff and go home. HOME. There it was again. Drive her daughter to her home and then get back to her crappy apartment. She decided to take as much of her stuff, which had stayed at Sam's apartment after their break-up, back to her own flat. For the past couple of weeks she had to buy new clothes and toiletries because almost all her belongings where at Sam's place, which she had come to call home a long time ago. Now she had to resettle into her own, lonely, crappy apartment where she went to bed alone, without giving Stevie a good-night-kiss and without wrapping her arms around her lover to fall asleep. Her apartment was basically one huge reminder of the life she was missing so profoundly.

After a while Lexie realized that she was stuck in her own thoughts for a long time now and that Stevie had gotten very quiet although she would normally talk like a waterfall during the whole drive.

\- "What are you thinking about Sweetheart?"

\- "I don't… nothing… it's just…"

\- "You look worried. Will you tell me what you're worried about? Maybe I can help you with something?"

\- "It's just… it's pretty late and I just realized that Mama has been home alone for a while now"

\- "Well, I don't think we have to worry about that. She knows you're spending the day with me, you won't get into trouble for coming home late."

\- "No, that's not it. It's just that… Mama gets really sad when she is alone and I try to be home as much as possible to cheer her up and distract her a little"

\- "Honey… you're really sweet. But I think Sam will be okay on her own. Maybe she needed some time but she will get over it and it will all go back to normal, don't you think".

\- "I don't know. She's been crying a lot. She tries to hide it from me. I sometimes here her crying when I've gone to bed or in the mornings before I leave my room. She cries in her sleep, too. She talks in her sleep and she begs you for forgiveness".

Lexie was shocked by what she heard. Suddenly she felt bad for just leaving Stevie with Sam without even looking back. She just tried to live her life on her own while her daughter was left to pick up the pieces of the mess they had created. She was ashamed for not talking to her daughter for weeks while the little girl had to console her mother and pick up the slack. From now on, Lexie swore to have a closer eye on Stevie and Sam to make sure that her daughter would not suffer any longer under their break up by having to witness Sam's break downs.

But Lexie was also shocked to hear that Sam was taking their break-up just as hard as she did. Why was Sam so sad when she was the one who decided to end it and look for someone else?

Lexie got pulled out of her thoughts when they reached Sam's house. They both left the car and with one deep breath Lexie tried to steady herself before Sam would open the door.

She was slightly taken aback by the dark rings under Sams's eyes and by the look of it, Sam had lost a lot of weight. A pang of guilt rushed over Lexie as she saw her former lover in such a bad state, even though she quickly regained her senses by telling herself that this had not been her fault and that Sam alone was responsible for the situation she was in. The only job Lexie had was to make sure that Stevie was taken care of and did not suffer under her mother's seeming depressive phase.

\- "Hey you two, come on in"

Sam smiled at both of them and gave Stevie a hug, but Lexie saw that the smile didn't reach her sad eyes. After Stevie had went into the house, Sam and Lexie just stood there for a second with none of them knowing what to say.

\- "Do you want to come in?" Sam asked shyly and braced herself for a harsh rebuff from Lexie

\- "Yeah, thanks" Lexie went past Sam into the living room.

\- "Could I maybe borrow a suitcase or some old bags? I need my stuff"

Lexie wanted to get out of the awkward situation and started looking for her clothes and other belongings to divert herself.

\- "I packed all your things into the box in my bedroom, I will go get it"

Quickly, Lexie followed Sam into their bedroom. It was the room furthest from Stevie's room, so it was probably the best place to talk without Stevie hearing what they were saying.

\- "Look, we need to talk. You have to pull yourself together for Stevie's sake. I don't know whats going on. I don't know why you're so upset, but Stevie knows. She knows you're crying at night and in the mornings and it upsets her. So try to get your shit together for her sake."

\- "She what? I didn't know. I really… I really try to be strong for her. Look, I never talk about us… or you… I never… I tried to keep it from her. I'm really sorry that she had to witness all that… I know what you're thinking. I know I don't have a "right" to be sad, after all, I'm the one who cheated. I know that."

\- "Then what's the problem?"

\- "Despite all my self-loathing and guilt for destroying our relationship and our family? You really wanna know what the problem is?"

She paused, closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Sam knew that what she was about to say probably wouldn't change anything. But after four weeks without any contact to Lexie she know finally had a chance to tell her what she really felt. She knew she didn't deserve her forgiveness and she knew she didn't even deserve to have Lexie in her life. But still, she was given a chance to explain herself, which was more than she could have asked for. Lexie had always been too good for her.

\- "I know that I don't get to be sad. I'm the one that is responsible for this relationship ending. I'm the one that cheated on you. I'm the one who is at fault. And I take full responsibility. And I know that I don't have the right to be sad but still… I really… I really miss you every second of every day and I am just so deeply sorry for what I did."

Sam was crying by now but it still felt good to finally be honest with Lexie after holding on to her feelings for far too long. Lexie on the other hand turned away from Sam to hide the tears in her eyes. She almost believed Sam. She would have believed her right away when she had "only" cheated on her. But Sam had abandoned her long before cheating on her and that is where Sam's story just didn't add up. If Sam loved her so much, why would she cancel dates, not show up and stop showing her affection? She just didn't get it. Maybe Sam didn't know why she behaved in that way either, but it was not her job to figure it out. She took a deep breath and just decided to get out of the apartment as quickly as possible. Seeing Sam cry broke her heart all over again. One of the things she had loved about Sam was how she managed to be so tough towards everyone else and to be so sweet and caring and soft to their daughter and to her. It made her feel so special. And now here it was again. The tough cop Sam crying in front of her was something she had barely every witnessed during their time together. But for now they weren't together and it was not Lexies place to console her and wipe the tears from those beautiful blue eyes. That was someone else's job now and it hurt Lexie to admit that to herself.

\- "Yeah well, maybe you should have thought about all that before you fucked someone else and stood me up on our anniversary".

\- "I know, I should have. If I could turn back time, I would, believe me".

\- "See here is the problem. I don't believe a word you say. Not anymore."

That felt like another slap in Sam's face and she knew that she deserved it. They didn't speak for a long time, in which Sam tried to look into Lexie's eyes while Lexie avoided Sam's gaze.

\- "Listen, I'm just gonna grab my stuff and go. Let's talk about this some other time. It's late and we both have work tomorrow. I still want to figure out a schedule so that I can see Stevie on a regular basis but maybe we can do this on the phone."

With that Lexie grabbed the box and started to leave.

\- "Lexie, wait. Please".

\- "Sam… just… don't. This is not good for us. Talking like this. It just hurts and it doesn't do either of us any good. Let's just focus on Stevie and try to go on with our lives."

Lexie left the room and went into Stevie's room to say good-bye. Stevie was listening to music through her headphones so hopefully she didn't hear her mothers arguing. With one last kiss onto Stevie's cheek and one last glance and Sam's tear-streaked face she grabbed her box and went to her car. Once she sat inside she started sobbing. How did everything get so fucked up?, she asked herself. How did I now see it coming? What did I do to make Sam leave me? How did they both cause each other so much pain when all she wanted was a life together as a family?

She decided to shake those thoughts off for now and drive to her apartment in the hope of getting at least a few hours of sleep tonight.

The moment she got home, her phone rang. Without looking at the caller ID she knew that it was Sam. She could've kicked herself for not changing the song that played when Sam called. It was "You're still the one" from Shania Twain and Paula Fernandes. Such a cheesy song, she thought. However, even though Sam and Lexie's taste in music couldn't be more different, they both loved this song and used to sing it to each other to cheer the other up whenever one of them was feeling down.

Lexie made a mental note to change the song the minute she would hang up the phone and with one deep breath the answered with a short "Hello?".

\- "Lex… it's me…". There was a long pause. "I know that I'm probably the last person in the world you want to talk to right now. And that is totally understandable. But… we have a daughter together and she… she made me promise that I'd ask you something. She wants you to spend her birthday with her… and with me… together… as a family. I swear it was her idea. This is not some scheme to get you to talk to me or to see you or spend time with you, Lexie. And I know that spending the day with me is probably the last thing you want to do. But I promise that I will not try to talk to you about us. This is just about Stevie. Please just think about it before you say no."

Lexie's first impulse was indeed to blow Sam off. Then she stopped herself as she realized that that wasn't the point.

This wasn't about how spending the day with Sam might make her feel uncomfortable. This was about their daughter. And she had sworn herself to not cause Stevie any more pain if she could help it. She could get over herself for one day, couldn't she? For Stevie's sake?

\- "Okay. Yeah. Count me in"

Sam was stunned.

\- "You… sure?"

\- "Yeah. For Stevie's sake. Of course. Absolutely. I don't want to miss out on her birthday. And I want to do everything I can to make her happy. So yes. What did you have planned?"

\- "Well… I promised we would go to Disneyland. If you want we can meet at the entrance at about… 9 am Sudnay?... Of course there's birthday breakfast and gifts and home before…"

\- "Cool. I have some gifts for her, so I come to your place at 8 and we have breakfast together if you're okay with that?"

\- "Yes, of course. Gosh Lexie, Stevie will be so happy. Do you want to tell her herself? I can put you on speaker?"

\- "No it's okay. You tell her. Have a good night, you two.

\- "Yeah, you too Lex. See you Sunday".

With that Lexie hung up the phone. She wanted Sam to be the bearer of good news. For some reason, she thought that Sam needed a good moment right now, and seeing their daughter happy made Sam happier than anything else in the world, that much Lexie knew.

That night was the first night in a long time that sleep came easy. Lexie didn't want to admit to herself that she did not just agreed to spend Stevie's birthday together for her daughter's sake. She herself didn't want to miss out on their daughter's special day. And maybe, deep down, despite all the heart-ache, pain and anger, she missed family-time with the both of them and God did she miss Sam. Seeing her today pushed that feeling to the surface, that until today she had been successfully able to bury under all the anger and disappointment. She missed everything about Sam. Her hugs, her kind words, the intimacy and familiarity between them. She missed her lover and her best friend. She missed her daughter's other mother. She missed her person. Sam was her person. The one person she used to share everything with. Every thought, every idea, every feeling. Used to. But just because all that was over didn't make her miss her person any less. And spending time with Sam would maybe entail having her person again, if even for a little while. Maybe they would go their separate ways after Sunday and maybe that would be it. She would still have her for one more day. And she looked forward to it. Even if she wasn't willing to admit that to herself.


	4. Chapter 4

It was Sunday, finally, and Lexie couldn't wait to give Stevie the presents she had so carefully picked out. She hoped that Stevie would like them. Anyway, she packed her backpack for the day and the bag with "Stevie" and "Happy Birthday" written on it in bold letters, and made her way out of the door.

As she stepped out of her car, Lexie suddenly felt a shiver going through her body, just like the last time she had dropped Stevie off. Somehow, she felt like the house had cast a spell on her. She did not want to admit it to herself, but she never had felt so at home and so at peace as she did in Sam's house. Compared to that, her place just felt like the place where she kept all her stuff, ninety percent of which she didn't even really need. Lexie didn't want to admit it to herself, but she had never really felt at home at her place before, it just had never bothered her before, because before she met Sam and Stevie, she never felt like she needed an anchor. She liked not being committed to one place or one town and she liked moving and meeting new people and getting to know new cultures. Initially, Lexie was always scared of the moment when she would feel tied down by Sam and her child and she expected herself to be the one that would run away from settling down. But even though she had waited for that moment to arrive, it never came. Instead of feeling strangled and tied down, Lexie found herself being drawn towards Sam and she felt more free than ever before, because now she knew that she had a home that she was always welcomed in and that would make her want to return from wherever she was heading. She began to need Sam as her anchor and she wanted to start taking over responsibility for their life together and to be a parent for Stevie.

Now she stood infront of her own home and she felt like the rug was being pulled from under her. There was no more anchor now and Lexie had yet to learn how to find her own inner anchor to keep her from flailing.

With a deep breath, she tried to shake those feelings off from her and to just be present and enjoy the day that was to come. She rang the doorbell and immediately heard Stevie running towards the door.

"Happy Birthday kiddo" – Lexie wrapped her daughter into a tight hug and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

Stevie took Lexie's hand and lead her to the living room, where Lexie saw a huge birthday cake and Sam, who was obviously not knowing how to greet Lexie, so she waved and tried to hide the huge grin that came to her face when she heard Lexie's voice at the door.

Lexie stepped into the room and waved back to Sam. To put an end to the awkward moment she focused on Stevie and handed her the gift.

"What's in there Mama?" Stevie asked, shaking the package to see if it made any noises. Sam shot Lexie a questioning glance, as well.

"Open it. You'll see"

Lexie ripped the wrapping paper as fast as she could. She loved presents and Lexie's presents were always her favorite.

Lexie loved watching her daughter's excitement. Since she came to know that Stevie had never received a single present in her life before Sam adopted her two years ago, she desperately wanted to make up for all the birthdays and Christmases that Stevie had spent alone in her room at the orphanage.

Stevie had finally managed to get the box to open and couldn't believe what she was seeing. Inside was the German version of her favorite book: Die unendliche Geschichte ("Neverending Story") by Michael Ende, which Stevie knew by heart.

As Lexie was originally from Germany, Stevie was obsessed with learning German, so as to being able to communicate with Lexie in her native language. Sam also tried to learn the language secretly, as she had wanted to surprise Lexie. Then, when they had broken up, Sam tried to avoid anything that was in any way connected to the German language, the country, or its people. It just reminded her too much of Lexie and she couldn't take it.

Stevie got the book out of the box and flipped it open, to see if she would understand any words at all.

"We can read it together, if you want to" Lexie suggested.

"Will you read it to me tonight?"

"Of course, Love. Now look what else is in there".

Underneath the book was something white and furry, which at first Stevie didn't recognize. She carefully got it out of the box and quickly realized that it was some sort of stuffed animal. After unfolding it, she finally recognized it: It was Falkor the Luckdragon from the Neverending Story, which had always been Stevie's favorite character of any children's book or movie, hands down. As other children had wished for pet dogs or cats or liked the care bears, Stevie always dreamt about having Falkor the Luckdragon as a pet, or at least as a stuffed animal. However, apparently it was impossible to buy such a thing. Sam had been desperate to find a stuffed animal that would look similar to Falkor, but she was just not able to find anything.

"How did you get that"? Sam asked Lexie incredulously.

"Well… I wanted to buy one and couldn't find one so… I made it myself" Lexie admitted.

"You made it YOURSELF?" Stevie shouted. "Oh my God Mama that is the best present in the world ever! I love it. I love it. I love it. Thank you so much" and Stevie cradled the dragon in her arm.

"I'm really glad you like Fuchur. That's his name in German, by the way. Now, I didn't have breakfast, can I get some of that birthday cake?" Lexie asked. She started to feel at ease again. She loved being there and sharing Stevie's birthday with her. And even though she tried not to stare too much at Sam, she noticed that the anger and pain, which she usually felt when it came to Sam, was replaced by a sense of familiarity at the moment. Lexie had always admired Sam in the way she took care of Stevie. She was such a great mother and it filled Lexie's heart with joy to see both of them interact.

"I already had cake. Can I go read my new book until you are finished? Pleaaaase?" Stevie asked.

"Sure, Kid, you go and enjoy yourself, I'll be ready in a Sec", Lexie answered. Just then it dawned on her that Stevie going to her room would mean that she would be alone with Sam. Something she had promised herself to avoid whenever possible. Deep breath, Lexie. You're a grown-up, you can handle it, she thought to herself. She grabbed a piece of cake and a fork and sat down at the table, staring on her plate.

At first, Sam didn't know what to say, or if to say anything at all. She had promised Lexie before that she wouldn't exploit the situation and make this day about them and their relationship instead of celebrating Stevie's birthday. But she also couldn't just sit there and say nothing, so she tried to keep it light and test the waters.  
"That dragon is amazing, you have really outdone yourself, Lex. Stevie loves it", Sam started.

Lexie just nodded a quick "Thanks" with a mouthful of cake.

"And… Thank you again for agreeing to share this day with us. Stevie was over the moon when she heard that you would come with us to Disney today".

"Yeah, thanks for inviting me. I wouldn't miss it for the world".

There was a long pause and Sam just didn't want to ignore the elephant in the room.

"Listen, Lex, it's okay, you know? You don't have to be nice to me when Stevie is not around. I really appreciate you being nice when Stevie is here, but I know that you hate my guts and you have every right to do so. So you don't have to pull yourself together. You can be mad and you can ignore me or whatever you feel like. I deserve it."

Lexie started to get angry again. Why was Sam doing this? Everything had been fine just 30 seconds ago and now here they were again, having pointless discussions about stupid emotions and blame. "Don't tell me how to feel Sam", Lexie spat.

"Okay, I won't. I know that I have no idea what you're feeling right now. "

"That's bloody right you don't"

"But I would really like to know", Sam added carefully.

"Well, I don't think it is any of your business how I feel anymore. There. You have it. I said it. We're not together and I am none of your business, anymore. Congrats."

"Shit. I'm sorry. I know, I promised we weren't going to get into that today. I just…" she paused.

"What? What Sam? Tell me. You have something to say, you say it now." Somehow, even though Lexie had told herself that she was over everything that happened between them, she still found herself searching for an explanation to Sam's sudden dismissive behavior. She just couldn't figure out where she had gone wrong to make Sam fall out of love with her. And she longed for an explanation, hoping that it would make it easier for her to accept what had happened and how things ended.

"I just… I think I owe you an explanation for disappearing on you. I never got to say how sorry I am for that. I know that I screwed things up when I fucked someone else" Lexie cringed when she heard those words and the look of pain in her eyes hit Sam with a new flash of guilt. So she tried to just get it out as quickly as possible so that they could move on and go to Disneyland with Stevie, for what would hopefully be the fun part of the day.

"The fact is that I pushed you away and I want you to know that none of that is your fault. Before I was with you I was involved with people who treated me badly. They didn't appreciate me at all and it took me a long time to figure out that I had to free myself from these unhealthy relationships. So I learned to hold back and not rely on anyone. And I also learned to end things before they got serious to protect myself and my feelings.

I know that you never used me and I know that you were serious about us. And that scared me. I have never met anyone like you and I never fell for anyone so quickly. I was afraid. I was scared that you would leave me and discover that you deserved better than me. Everyone before you decided that I wasn't worth the effort so I was sure that you would decide that too and I was afraid that at that point I would have already given you my whole heart and I was scared that I wouldn't survive you leaving me. So I started to hold back my feelings. I also told myself that it was not only for my sake, but also for Stevie's sake as she deserved a stable mother and I was afraid that I would not be able to handle you leaving to look for someone who deserved you. Someone better than me."

"Sam that's ridiculous. You're prevaricating here. You are the one that left me. I never gave you any reason to believe that I wasn't in love with you just as much as you were in love with me. I reciprocated all you advances. I even told you I loved you. I basically moved in with you and Stevie and never looked back and I was always open about my intentions. You had no reason to doubt me. You just abandoned me." The tears that Lexie had tried to hold back when Sam told her her story were now flowing freely from her cheeks. Sam wanted nothing more than to take her into her arms and beg her for forgiveness. But instead she just made a step towards Lexie and tried to take her hand into both of hers, which Lexie wouldn't allow as she pulled her arm away from Sam. She was too hurt to be comforted by Sam.

"Lex, I don't expect you to understand me. I don't expect you to forgive me. I just want to be honest with you, because after everything that I have done, you deserve honesty." Sam paused and thought for a way to explain to Lexie what went on in her mind and to make her understand.

"Do you know what firefighters do if they cannot get control over a burning building?" Sam asked.

Lexie just frowned, not knowing what this had to do with everything. Slowly, she was losing what little patience she had been able to muster this morning.

"They let the building burn down in a "controlled manner" and make sure that no other buildings in the direct surroundings catch fire. That's what I do, Lexie. That is what I've always done. That's what I've done to you. When I'm happy, I feel like I don't deserve it and I destroy whatever makes me happy. By shutting you out I burned us down in a "controlled manner", because I was afraid that if we would have continued, and I would have let myself be happy with you, you would one day realize what a fuck-up I am and you would have left me. And I wouldn't have been able to survive that kind of pain. I know, because I barely made it out alive after we broke up."

Lexie didn't know what to say. Despite all her best efforts to remain strong and not be lulled into Sam's pathetic story, she just couldn't help herself. She reached out and wiped the single tear from Sam's face that had formed on her right cheek. She held her hand and softly stroked Sam's cheek, looking deeply into her eyes. Lexie wanted to know if Sam really believed all this to be true. Did she really think she wasn't good enough for her? Was that really the reason? Or was she just making this story up and she had really been fucking someone else all these times when Sam wouldn't come home to her and miss their dates?

The truth was, Lexie didn't know what to think. She knew that she wanted to believe Sam. Of course she rather wanted Sam's story to be true than her suspicions. But to be honest, Lexie didn't know what to believe anymore. She lost her trust in Sam and with it the ability to believe her. She just needed more time to figure out what the hell she was feeling and thinking about all she had just learned. However, a part from her just wanted to throw caution to the wind and hug Sam and tell her everything would be fine in the end.

Lexie couldn't stop herself from pulling Sam into her arms. She hated seeing Sam cry and frankly, she just couldn't bare it right now. So she hugged her. After a long time she whispered "It will be okay" into Sam's ear. What was surprising to herself was that at the moment she said it, she actually believed it to be true.

"Can we go now, it's getting late" they both heard Stevie's loud voice from her bedroom down the hall and neither of them could suppress a giggle. They separated from the hug and with one last smile to each other, they started gathering their things and packing up to go to Disneyland.

On the drive, Lexie thought about what just happened and what they both had said. For the first time in weeks she did not feel overwhelmed by sadness when she thought about her future relationship with Sam as they would co-parent Stevie. She had actually meant what she had said to Sam earlier. Everything would be okay. Whether they would end up together or not. Whether they would find their way back together or just become friends. It didn't matter right now. All that mattered, is that they were a family. All three of them. And they would get over it just like they would have to get over other difficult situations in the future. They would be okay. With that thought they arrived at Disneyland and Lexie got out of the car with a genuine smile on her face, ready for a family day.


	5. Chapter 5

The drive to Disneyland was filled with joyful chatter. Everyone was excited and even though Lexie did not like to admit it to herself, she was looking forward to not only spending Stevie's birthday with her, but to spending a full day with Sam. She tried to remember the last full day that they had spent together, before Sam started acting weird and was distancing herself more and more from her. It must've been months ago and Lexie soon forced herself to stop reminiscing about the days when things had been all too perfect. It just hurt to think back of the time when life seemed to be too good to be true. Back when she had the whole package: Girlfriend (whom she had hoped to call her wife one day), her girlfriend's daughter Stevie (whom she had hoped to adopt as soon as possible), and job she loved (at the University of Brighton). Only a couple of months ago, Lexie was in the blissful position of being completely happy with the life she was living and at the same time extremely excited for what the future would hold for her and her family.

Everything fell apart and she had trouble to adjust. How do you even try to adjust to a life you did not want and did not choose? She didn't want to pack up her stuff and leave their home. She didn't want to be done with Sam. She didn't want Stevie to suffer because her parents couldn't make their relationship work.

Nevertheless, Lexie had always been a realist. Things go wrong, people screw up, and she had never been one to believe in happy endings. So after the break-up with Sam she got herself back up to her feet. Mostly due to Stevie, Lexie worked on getting her shit together. She wanted to stay in Stevie's life, even if that meant having to cope with Sam being a constant figure in her own life as well. She promised herself to get along with Sam for her daughter's sake. She and Sam would be respectful to each other and work together to ensure that their daughter would grow up as happily as possible. That was her plan. It was also the reason why she agreed to come to Disneyland. So far so good.

However, everything that Sam had admitted to her earlier this morning brought back all the pain that the brunette had caused her the previous months. Lexie felt not yet stable enough to spend a whole day with Sam without it opening up the wounds that her ex-girlfriend had inflicted upon her, when she abandoned her and exchanged her for another women within a single day. She pushed those thoughts out of her head again. This was not the time or the place to think about Sam with another women. She cursed herself for the painful images in her head. „That's enough. Think about something happy. Think about the day you will be spending with Stevie. Think about cotton candy and roller coasters. And don't forget to breathe", she told herself. To be honest, Lexie had become quite good at managing her thoughts and feelings, at least when she needed to and was surrounded by other people. Unfortunately, when she was home alone at night all the thoughts came crushing back. But at least right now she managed to shake off the toxic thoughts and concentrate on the adventurous day ahead, just as they approached the huge parking area in front of the entrance of the fun park.

„Last one at the entrance buys the first round of cotton candy", Lexie yelled, as all three of them left the car and rushed towards the entrance.

The first two hours went by smoothly. They all enjoyed the many exciting rides and Stevie ran around with a huge smile on her face the whole time, which in turn made her mothers happy. Sam and Lexie took turns sitting next to Stevie on the rides and all their conversations included their daughter. Not speaking about their issues and yet having a great time together seemed to take off a lot of pressure for both women. They even engaged in playful banter after some time and teased each other about the rides they were too afraid to go on:

"Seriously? You're a policewoman. You run around with a gun and fight bad guys every day and you're scared of this ghost train?"

"I'm not scared, I just don't enjoy being spooked". – "Your 8-year old daughter is tougher than you, you know", Lexie encountered with a smirk.

"Let's just choose another ride and come back to this one later, all right. We can't enter it with the cotton candy in our hands anyway" – "HA! Full of excuses, aren't we today?" Lexie replied. It was after the words left her mouth that she realized that Sam could maybe misunderstand the meaning of that last sentence, so she tried to change the subject: "Okay well, why don't you have a look at the map and lead us to the next ride, Stevie?" she asked the little girl and handed her the park map. Afterwards she glanced at Sam to make sure she hadn't triggered anything with her words. They had promised each other to not speak about their relationship during the day with Stevie and Lexie really didn't want to get into their stuff right now. Thankfully, Sam just winked at her and gave her a small smile, which Lexie couldn't decide if it was a smirk or a sad smile, because it only lasted a second, until Stevie took both their hands and led them away to what Lexie dreaded to be yet one more roller coaster that would make her stomach turn.

SAM's POV

Sam's feelings were all over the place. She had been looking forward to the day as much as she had been dreading it. The prospect of spending the whole day with Lexie and her daughter had brightened her mood for the past few days. At the same time she had become extremely self-conscious around her ex-partner. She knew she was in love with Lexie and it had felt good to be able to explain her behavior to her former lover this morning. Still, Sam had the feeling that everything she did only ever made things worse. She didn't trust herself anymore. She didn't know how to compose herself and how to behave in Lexie's company. All she could feel was shame and regret and also, somewhere deep inside her, she couldn't help but feel a tiny little bit of hope of making things right again, even though she told herself over and over again to stop hoping. Lexie didn't want her anymore. That ship had sailed months ago. She screwed it up and needed to accept that. And she did accept that for the most part.

But then Lexie would give her even the faintest of smiles, or a nice word, or even a hug such as this morning – and Sam felt like coming back to life, like coming up for fresh air. She forced herself not to read anything into that. Lexie was the kindest person she knew. She was good-hearted, genuinely nice to people and would never hurt anyone intentionally, which is why Sam fell for her in the first place and why she trusted her from the beginning to play a role in her daughter's live, if Lexie wanted to.

Sam scolded herself for her thoughts drifting away yet again and tried to shake off all those feelings and thoughts and just focus on the fun all three of them were having.

After two more rides the three of them were walking through the park with ice cream in their hands, still laughing about the photo that was taken of them on the last ride. All three of them had failed to look at the camera, their hair was all over the place and they were screaming as the roller coaster took them downhill. Of course, they had to buy the pictures, they didn't care that they were completely overpriced. As they were walking through the park, they saw a family approaching them. A child about Stevie's age ran up to them:

"Hey Stevie, what are you doing here?" – "It's my birthday today and my Moms brought me here to celebrate. What about you, Max?" – "It's my younger brother's birthday and he wanted to come here. Have you already been to the water park? We just got here and I really want to check it out. Will you come check it out with me?" – "Yeah just let me ask my Moms."

Stevie had run off with Max and his family and they all had agreed to meet back at the same spot two hours later, which gave Sam and Lexie some alone time, which they both had not seen coming or prepared themselves for. They chose to go on one of the smaller rides, through which they could avoid standing in line for too long, which would force them to engage in awkward conversation or similarly awkward silence. This way they got by with talking about their day so far and how both of them had enjoyed the rides and the time spend together as a family. As it was their turn to enter the cart, they both fell silent, noticing how close to each other they were seated.

Suddenly, in the middle of the ride, the carts stopped unexpectedly, just as they had entered into a tunnel and they were barely able to see anything. As Lexie had been to this fun park a couple of times before and knew this ride inside and out, she also knew that such sudden and unexpected stops were not normal. Something must have happened that lead to them stopping in the middle of the tunnel and in pure darkness. She was beginning to freak out and she could feel a panic attack coming. Sam on the other hand was much more relaxed in such situations and she could feel the brunette beside her panicking.

"Hey, it's going to be okay Lex. Probably just some new kid that pressed a wrong button in the control room, no need to worry, I promise", she tried to calm Lexie down. Immediately after she uttered those soothing words, Lexie took Sam's hand and squeezed it really tight. It was a habit of hers in situations that put Lexie under a lot of stress or pressure. Sam grasped Lexie's hand tightly and remembered the last time Lexie had grabbed her hand like this. It was during their flight home to Germany. As turbulences appeared out of nowhere, Lexie had panicked and squeezed Sam's hand frantically. Sam had always seen it as a great sign of trust that Lexie would turn to her and seek her physical closeness in times of distress or fear.

Now, Sam felt bad for Lexie to be scared, but at the same time she couldn't help but to enjoy the feeling of holding Lexie's hand in her own. "Sam, you have two seconds to make me calm down or I will totally lose my shit. This really scares me", Lexie admitted. Without thinking about it any further, Sam just thought to herself "what the hell" and instinctively turned sideways, took Lexie's face in her free hand and kissed her passionately.

Lexie, to her own surprise, relaxed instantly and lost herself into the kiss and even reciprocated it. They deepened the kiss and before either of them could pull away the ride continued just as suddenly as it had stopped. Once Sam and Lexie realized that they were moving again and that they reached the end of the tunnel – both physically and metaphorically – they both pulled away reluctantly, and faced forward again, without noticing – or pretending not to notice – that they were still holding hands until the ride was over and they had to leave the cart.


End file.
